Seamless Art

This week I watched a few movies starring great actors, Daniel Day Lewis and Johnny Depp.  
Regardless of your opinion of these two people, they are recognized by the majority, as people who define the craft of acting.  

What amazed me while I watched these films is how seamless it all felt.  I am not sure that is the best word for it, but it is the one that I use and it is the one that came to my mind while I watched. What I mean by seamless, is that there never appeared to be a struggle or a glitch, there was no point when I thought "ahh that is where the actor had to work at that piece".  The character in the end had no seams in them. The analogy is that actors put on a costume called character and I was unable to see the seams of the costume and thus was drawn in enough to view the actor as that character.  When I sat back to reflect on this fact I was struck with the idea that it all seems so easy; this acting thing. From there I was taken to a point in my past and a discussion that came up.

Friend:  "Acting is easy, any one can do it. Just get up, memorize some lines and say them in front of people."
Me:  "Yes, anyone can act, but it takes a special person, an artist to do it well and make a living at it."

The argument I put forth is simple.  Everyone can act and everyone has.  If you take the time to watch children at play you will see what I mean. When kids play, they play for keeps.  They will tell you the rules of the game, they will set the scenario, they will give you your role and then they will go there.  I really mean go there. A child will dive in, head first and come to a state where they truly believe and buy into the role they are playing.  Anyone who breaks that reality and does not play to the fullest, well they get thrown out. Kids get mad at each other for not playing good enough, for breaking the reality, for not fulfilling their role and fights ensue.  This is the reality of childhood and it is the foundation for great acting.  We go all the way in, and everybody who is with us on stage or screen has to do the same or there is no show.

Now somewhere along the line kids loose this ability to play so deeply.  Not everyone, but many.  A mother chides them for not growing up and playing too much, a friend laughs at them or picks on them, a teacher says that it is not a good idea...so many reasons.  When these reasons start to sink in then the walls go up and the fear of diving in and being chastised, ridiculed, picked on, singled out, etc. takes over and the play weakens.  This is now one less actor in the world.

Those of us who choose acting, step into the ridicule every day, we face the thoughts and memories of people who have given us a version of "no" and we work really hard to find the ability to dive in head first without hesitation to believe everything that is laid out in a script for us to play with.  We have a million different methods to do this, and each of us finds our own keys, we do our homework if you will and we entertain you.  For those out there that are viewed as the greats, they are special individuals who open that deepest box (or maybe they were lucky and never had there vision tainted, it does happen occasionally) and go all the way, beyond what others who are good can do.  These are the actors who to me appear seamless, that they are so far in, I cannot see the stitches where the costume attach to the actor.  What amazes me more than anything is how easy it all looks when we watch but how much work I know went into getting there.

Something to strive for definitely.

There is a Choice

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and noticed a change.
For the past year I have been "working out" - I think better put I have been more consistently physically active
Today I was able to definitively notice some of the changes
Nothing dramatic, I haven't grown muscles overnight, or lost a hundred pounds; but there are changes.

The past few blogs have expressed a level of frustration, discomfort, disillusionment, upset etc. with acting
All fair feelings to have
It is a well accepted fact that acting is a challenging industry to pursue
It is also a well accepted fact that, like everything else in the known universe, we have ups and downs
Not everyday can be roses I believe I said.

Fortunately I am thinker
Someone who reflects back on the days, the weeks and months and works to draw conclusions
From those conclusions I work to make changes as necessary and hopefully "brighten things up" 
With the dirty laundry of disillusionment aired I have been thinking 
How can I change things?
It has seemed insurmountable to change things that are beyond my control
Casting does not see me, people do not hire me ...
I have asked and done what I was told to change things ...
It did not work ...
It must be beyond me ...
And then today I noticed a change in my physical self ...

The body is made of muscles and many other things
But in respect to the changes I see the muscle structure is what changes
The mind I was once told is just a muscle - like any other in the body
If the body can change, bit by bit, piece by piece, slowly but surely
Due to continued effort and work of a physical nature
Then the mind, being a muscle, can also change bit by bit slowly but surely due to...

What is it that the mind needs to exercise?
I wondered and I pondered
I feel creatively stuck, creatively un-noticed, untouched
What is it that is changing the body - physical exercise for weak muscles
Then it should follow - creative exercise for weak creativity

And so I realize I have a choice
I can sit and wait - hope that I will be given a chance to be creative through being cast in some project
Or I can begin creative exercise and potentially create my own project 

This seems likely
It feels daunting
But when I started jogging I only ran half a kilometre
This morning I ran five of them
A number of weeks ago I was not blogging
Today there are a number of blogs posted
Maybe if I start writing that kernel of an idea out
Maybe in a little while there will be a script, a shoot schedule a film
Maybe a play, maybe a book, a reading series, a career.

Blessing or Curse

Sounds like To Be or Not To Be; and in many ways it is.

"What do you want to be/do with your life?"

I have asked and been asked that question many times in life.
In my own case, by the time I was fourteen I knew that answer: I want to be an actor.
That is how old I was when it hit me, fourteen.  It hit me so hard that I have never wavered on that point.  Many years have gone by now and my answer is still the same: I want to be an actor.

At this point in my life I am an actor.  I have successfully struggled, and moved through all the hoops that have allowed me at times to solely make my living as an actor.  It also means that I have successfully struggled and moved through all the hoops that have allowed me to mostly make a living off of part time work while auditioning and living the "actor's life."  Regardless of any hardship that I might be able to complain about, the answer is still the same, but it carries an addendum: I only want to be an actor.  Meaning continually strive for my sole source of income to come from acting work.  What actor does not want this?

I was reflecting on this point recently and the question which I answered so many years ago and I was struck with an interesting point.  For as many times as I have been asked and answered that question I have also heard, an equal amount of times, the response of: You are so lucky to know what you want in life.  This idea, of being lucky to know that I want to be an actor, has sat with me for a while and I am beginning to wonder how lucky I truly am.  Lets weigh it out.

Knowing what I want provides me with, unwavering focus, drive, determination and push.  It gives me guidance on what I study, watch, read, immerse myself in.  It guides how I select my non acting work.  It helps define my morals and ideas of the world.  It provides me with this and many other things which society deems positive.

At the same time though it means that I am not satisfied unless this goal is found.  It means that I will deal with hardship and rejection, monetary limitations and struggles, because I will not compromise my path to acting.  It means that my friends and family have and will again question my outcomes, and their value.  It means so many other things which in general society does not deem positive.

Now if I didn't know what I wanted, I would have greater freedom to explore the world and what it has to offer me in terms of a career.  It would mean I would be more flexible and open to alternate options. It could mean, as I have worked in number of fields now, that one of those fields could be that which sustains me comfortably.

In some ways I feel limited by knowing so thoroughly what I want as my career. So I wonder, is it a blessing or a curse?  To be or not to be an actor, that is the question?  But for me the answer is "BE" and receive with it all that comes from that choice; regardless of it being deemed positive or negative.

Voicing

Not every day can be roses and sunshine.
People who know me, know I typically don't rant or carry on; well at least they know I do it sparingly.
So today I thought I would voice out loud to you my readers.

Now I don't know who you are and that is okay.  (Side note: thank you to all of you who read these)
I don't like to assume; however, it seems fair that as I am an actor then some of my readers would also be actors.
Following that logic then it would also hold true that many of those actors share some of these struggles.
Today, on behalf of myself and any other actors who may read this, or any artist who can associate to this, I give me (and you) permission to rant.

I am tired of going to auditions where kids half my age have a bigger resume than me.
I am tired of not being able to secure an audition with one of the big companies.
I am tired of not being able to be seen by major casting.

"Do something about it, create your own work, get new demo reel..."

I am tired of reinventing myself, promoting the new show I am in, getting new head shots and demo reel, re doing my wardrobe, contacting casting and artistic directors, getting reviewers out to see my work etc.  I have talked to casting agents and artistic directors and done everything on the lists they have asked and suggested in order to be seen and I am tired of doing it.  The reason I am tired, is that after doing it numerous times not once, not once, has any casting or artistic director come to see my work, or called me in because of the promotion or change.  So I begin to wonder and question: Why do they say do all this if they don't notice.

I will step aside for a moment and give respect to the fact that these people are very busy and they can't see everyone.  I know I have run my own theatre company for seven years, I have co-ordinated a film festival for four, there just are not enough hours in the day.  

With that said I have now been in the industry actively for fifteen years, I have reinvented and invited and and and many times.  There are not enough hours in the day, but over fifteen years you think that there may be some kind of response.

Why does this bother me so much? I'm an actor, I know what I signed up for? I know and understand the struggle?  It bothers me so much, because I am actually getting tired of the flattery.  What?  Yes the flattery.  For the people who do see me, for the companies I do audition for, I am now, after years of training, getting consistent feed back in respects to how good I am, how I shone at that audition, how I stood out from the crowd etc.  I am being recognized for my skills but I am not being hired.  Not being hired means my resume does not grow which means that the bigger companies and casting does not look at me.

So in the immortal words of one of my good friends:
"Flattery don't pay the bills, hire me bitch"

Oh so true.  Like I said not every day can be roses and sunshine.  Everyone has an off day. For a change I decided I would share and not hide behind a fake "I'm fine"

Tomorrow will be a better day.  It always is.  

Focus and Creativity

There is a belief held by many:
That the external reflects the internal.
This is something that I subscribe to.
Recently I moved.
I found myself working hard to get the space sorted out - balanced I thought at one point.
When I said this to myself I realized how true it was:
I was out of balance because my space was out of balance.

From this thought came the next one:
If I am out of balance then my creative energy and skill is also out of balance.
As an actor this is not good.
I took a step back and examined a bit further.
As I thought I extrapolated this next thought.

If my body is the home of my soul (creativity) and my body is out of balance....
Yes it seemed to make sense to me that for the inner energy and creativity to flow
Then any vessel that I have immediate control over must be in a balance for me.
For me to reach a focus and have ability to channel my creativity then I must control my environment.

That environment is first and foremost my physical body, then my living space, then the area I live in, then the area I work in, then the area and people I choose to hang out with.  I have discovered through recent weeks when these things are organized then so my creativity flows.  Bit by bit, piece by piece I recognize and see more ideas, thoughts, feelings of a creative nature flowing.  And so for me this belief of external effecting internal holds true.  

If I am to continue on my creative path I must keep my external elements in a state which I feel is balanced.