Taking a Break

Your  Thought from the Green Room: Breaks
Your challenge: Take a break.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Wants and Objectives

This week's topic in Thoughts from the Green Room: Wants and objectives how they effect your work.

Your challenge:  Take a look at what you want and crystallize it.  Fight for it this week and see what happens.

Specific to my actor friends: pick up a script and figure out the want in a scene/monologue and work it.  See if your other exercises fall into place. 

Meeting

This week's topic in Thoughts from the Green Room: Meetings
Your challenge:  Make a list of people you want to work with and send them a note to connect.
(sorry for the delay there were technical difficulties uploading the video this week)

Mentorship

This week's Thoughts from the Greenroom: Do you have a mentor?

What value does this format of learning serve? Is it of value to you?  I think that everyone can benefit from someone else's guidance.  Put into the practice of mentorship it is a great way to progress.  Those are my thoughts.

Challenge:  Review your circles and see if you have a mentor. Then make that mentorship formal. Two: examine who you mentor and act on that so you can pay it forward.

Sharkwater Inspiration

In this week's instalment of Thoughts from the Green Room I talk about the documentary film and its correlation to my vision of being an artist.  I discuss how the documentary is the ideal form of "Coffeeshop film/theatre" and how it can potentially affect the world.

I leave you with the challenge to go out and commit a random act of kindness; help someone in need. In that simple act you will help to change the world this week.

Finally, I encourage you to go and check out Sharkwater the documentary film I saw on sharks.  It speaks about how they are close to extinction and how that can very potentially destroy life on this planet; including us.

www.sharkwater.com

Attitude

This weeks topic in Thoughts from the Green Room is Attitude.  In this episode, we learn about me on set and how I spun a "negative" moment into a "positive" one.  This is not a guide to how to save the world, but maybe a guide to make your day brighter. 

This weeks Challenge:  Whenever you catch yourself in a "bad" mood or having negative thoughts, take pause and work to find a "positive" response in the moment.  Observe yourself and see what this does for you.

That is for this week on Thoughts from the Green Room.

Music's Power

Hello everyone,

Yes it has been some time.  I should have put up a post to say I was taking a brief break...shoulda, woulda, coulda.

In my absence I've talked to a few friends who have offered up some thoughts on making the blog a bit better.  I think they are decent ideas and I'm working to implement them.

The first being a clearer heading at the top.  The second being a clearer finish at the end.

Yes these are unedited thoughts and ideas, but a bit of finessing may bring them closer to home.

So here are my latest Thoughts From the Greenroom: Music's Power and why an Actor Should Listen

This weeks challenge: Sit down with some music.  Music with lyrics you can easily understand. Music with lyrics which you've always found hard to understand.  Music without lyrics - classical maybe.  Work to listen and hear the story you are being told. 

You are chosen

How often do you reflect and give yourself credit for your accomplishments?  Thanks Stevie Jay for reminding me of it and allowing me to share it with others.

That little word "Trust"

How often do you trust? Your friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances?  As an actor it is, in my mind, an absolute need.  To trust your fellow actors is the first step to truly accessing our vulnerability.  Without vulnerability, I believe, we cannot access ourselves to create.  Without trust there is no artist - become conscious in your use of it.

Batman

He is a man, dressed as a bat, but his mind is focussed and honed to do nothing but beat up the human rat.  Can you be like him?

Hunter Prey

Everything in the universe runs cycles.  It is only natural that what goes up must come down.  We all experience it, each of us feels it differently, the key is managing it both when you are down and when you are up.

The Support Network

My apologies for the absence.  Here is the latest post about the people who keep you flowing creatively.

Living Force

The Assassination of Robert Ford: Dirty Little Coward closed yesterday to a decent size house.  A thank you to all who worked on it and all who came out to support it. No show is successful without those elements and I am blessed to have had that support.  As I look forward to the next show I wonder where my acting will take me and from that thought it occurred to me: CREATIVITY IS A LIVING FORCE

One hundred plus ten

The Assassination of Robert Ford: Dirty Little Coward won the Best of Toronto Fringe.  If you have a chance to see one of its two remaining shows (closes July 27/14) come on out to the Toronto Centre for the Arts for this great show.  Tickets are here: http://www.tocentre.com/studio/assassination

Opening Night

I tried to load this for opening night but had some technical challenges. Here it is.

Single Focus

Fresh Eyes

The Fight & Rehearsal

Coffee Shop

I think that mindset is important to any activity.
You know what I mean
Taking that moment to mentally psyche yourself up
So you can get off the couch and go out to meet a friend
So you can get to work on a day you don't want to
To get in your head space.

Well for me learning new script requires:
The right head space 
and 
The right physical space

I don't know what makes it work so well for me
But sitting in a coffee shop and running lines 
Feels so ideal

Coffee shop - not Starbucks, Timmies or some chain
That indie place that is tucked away and has just the right ambiance
Today I went to Merchants of Green Coffee.
They have what feels like a early pioneer general store 
You order coffee find a spot and sit

Today I sat in an old couch with a cool railway trolley thing for coffee table
I rested my coffee on it
Reached into my bag
Pulled out the script
Two hours later
Left with a huge chunk of script understood and committed to my mind.

Day was good.
Felt like an actor.
Cost 3.00 and the coffee was amazing.

Oh to be able to do that every day of my life.

It is not far away come to the Fringe and see me in 
The Assassination of Rob Ford: Dirty Little Coward

The Assassination of Rob Ford

Everybody wants to see it happen.
Everyone wonders why he got away.
I was left to walk away
And still he came my way.
I avoided him even though it burned
For his insane fortunate life I yearned
And when I finally came from the fire
To see him peddling it became dire
So I shot him dead
Hope to be ahead 
Oh what a tale 
How I ended up in jail.

No I'm not talking about Toronto's mayor but it sounds like it.
I'm talking about me playing Ed O'Kelly in the new Canadian play 
The Assassination of Rob Ford:Dirty Little Coward
by Adam Bailey.

This show will premiere at the Toronto Fringe in July 2014

We stared rehearsals last night and I love this script.
A true gritty piece and commentary on people.
Come out and see us.

Desensitization

I am returned from a Friday night meeting
Lead by Cindy Tanas of the Cindy Tanas Actor's Studio
The meeting was a discussion of the 1976 movie Network
As a group we viewed the film and discussed it after
What a great night.

The key question asked was:
What is our role as actors?
Many great suggestions were made.
I share with you my thoughts.

As a group, globally, culturally, driven by media, internet, technology and the love of money
We are becoming more and more desensitized.
They say children see more murders on TV by the age of ten than people twenty years ago.
We are losing our connection to humanity when we can turn a blind eye to the wrongs and lacking moral fortitude which innately lies at the pit of our souls.

So we turn to art
In some cases this art is the source of the desensitization  
So first we posit: what is art?
I believe art is the truth of expression coming from an individual
When the truth comes out it will be taken by some and not by others 
It does not matter, it is an individual truth shared and expressed through creativity

Under the moniker of acting what is the actor's (artist's) role
I turn to our founders our forefathers: the Greeks
In Greek society theatre provided a cultural experience where all the community came together to cathartically express themselves through the stories on stage
The Greeks held, on an annual basis, a festival of Tragedy, of Comedy and of Dionysian theatre
It was the communities job to go to these festivals so they could release their emotions and break the confines and restraints of society
It was the actor's job to provide a performance which the community could buy into
If you will it was the actor's job to guide the audience down the path to the emotion
It is the actor's job to help you find your feelings

As time went on these festivals went the way of the Dodo
We lost our guides and desensitization became more prevalent
I think this is wrong and I say that no matter which way in favour or against something
We must feel enough to voice.

To that I recall the practice of Shakespearian theatre
For a farthing the pit audience could purchase rotting fruit
If they did not enjoy the performance they were allowed to throw the fruit
At the actors, and thereby express their displeasure.

I reflect on desensitization and I think
At the least 
"Here is my farthing give me a rotting orange to throw"

Or in the words of Network's Howard Beale
"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

Peter Finch as Howard Beale in Network 

Believe

 Believe.
A simple word that drives the world.
The word gains context when the we hear it from the mouth of an idol
"I struggled, I starved but I believed one day I could be here..." and so the speech goes.
Its power is not limited to the great ones
For every soul believes
The starving child believes one day food will come
The young woman believes she will raise a family
The man believes he will be a father.

For those "lowly" people we rarely think of 
Believe is something that gets them through, not only life, but the moment, the day
"I believe I can make it through this shift"
"I believe I can weather this storm"
"I believe we will stop fighting"
"I believe he will stop beating me"
"I believe I will beat cancer"
"I believe I will stop doing drugs"

I believe...

Extras

No I don't mean the ones who stand in the background
I mean the stuff we do to push our careers

I came home from my part-time job on Saturday and thought
"Ah it will be good to relax!"
Thought that I would check my email, catch up with some friends
Then I saw them, all those wonderful audition notices that I did not have time to respond to this week
Lots of potential for another role - the General Auditions for theatre are this time of year

Then I started thinking about the monologues that need preparing
There are few projects I have on the go and I've four scripts to read
Taxes are more time consuming with my "Self employed" actor status and take more time
There was an email regarding a post I should read about the business
A network request
Various shows to check out
Various shows to post for and support other artists
and the list grew.

I took a deep breath and thought
"Wouldn't it be nice if my full time job was acting!  Then I could respond to all this and do all the reading etc and I could relax tonight."  
But none of that extra work I do on top of my day job pays the bills as of yet.
So I sat down and put in another six hours that night.
Still have two plays to read and a plethora of emails to read.

Yup, us artists have two jobs, the one that pays bills and the one that we hope one day will.

Masks

As an actor I wear many masks.
Literally, sometimes a role requires me to wear an actual and physical mask
And
Proverbially, I create a mask with a character.
In addition to that, there is the public persona versus the private persona.

Masks are a part of my business.
Masks I believe are a part of life.

The way a person behaves in school versus who they are at home
With family versus friends
In public versus the bedroom
With a lover versus an acquaintance 

These are all different masks. They are worn to suit different needs
I feel a great contrast between actors and others is the knowledge of when the mask is worn, and which mask is worn.

I know, I know, big sweeping statement 
But think about it.
Do you consciously say it's time for my teacher mask I'm a student now?
Or do you just fall into the role.  

As an actor I am conscious of mask and its value and I choose to use it when it fits
With that said I am human and before I was an actor I had no idea about mask

In self reflection I found some masks which I did not know existed and I've seen how the unconscious mask effects my life.
I wonder, what if we all became conscious and took off our masks?  What then?
Would you have the strength to show what lies beneath?

When comes the time?

The pursuit of one's dream is something I believe is vital to life.
Understanding what the dream is
Guides so many choices and decisions

Dreams by whisperfall on deviantART
whisperfall.deviantart.com

It is in the pursuit of a dream 
Where things of value and promise are lost
In the hope of attaining what feels greater

Our greatness our dream is but an intangible
Its pursuit goes against the old adage
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"
But the two in the bush is what we artists bank our lives on

At what cost?
I've wondered that lately
What things have I put on the way side?
While I relentlessly pursue my dream


Truthfully I see them as too many to count
They are there not as regrets but facts
As I recount them I wonder about a dreams value
And I am reminded of a story I lived

Sitting in a university classroom
Discussing with professor and peers 
The daunting task of finding our careers 
In the not too distant future

All of us full of desire
Each one of us aware of the risk
Debating which will weigh on us more
When on student speaks truth

"When comes the time to put bread on the table?"
A simple query
One which provokes thought
The room goes silent

As that thought resonates through me today
I look at the dream and question
What other dreams lie idle in the face of this one?
Maybe it is time for some other dreams

Show Up!

Hello everybody.  My apologies for the gap in posts I've been in jolly old England taking a needed vacation.  I was fortunate and had some great weather, amazing company in my family and friends and an overall good time catching up, relaxing and in general just living the lazy day moments.

As the impending approach to my return home came closer I noticed a small tension creeping into my system.  Bit by bit it started to overtake me.  On the final day, as I boarded the plane, I noted that I was very focussed.  Focussed in a way that I can only describe as "Steeling myself for the return home."

Examining myself I realized that there was zero desire to come back to this reality.  It is not one that I enjoy - let me qualify that.  I love my life and my choices to follow the artistic path.  Right now there is a lack of work, and I'm not acting enough.  Although my bills are being paid through day jobs, which I enjoy, they in the end are not how I want to spend the majority of my time and currently, along with the last many months, the majority of my day is spent at a day job.  

This is of course one of the realities which many artists face - the artistic pursuit as a seeming hobby while day to day life is taken care of by other means.  Not exactly what we want but something we were aware of when we chose this path.  Moving to the idea of choosing our own path I began to reassess what this path is.

From the start I knew this was a path which most likely did not lead to riches, it was a path of challenge, there would be copious struggles while artistic pursuits were funded by day jobs, there would be challenges keeping the moral up, a separation of monetary success from other friends, a fatigue of working more than one job, and it was all worth it because through and through I'm an actor and I love acting.

Not consciously associated to this path was the North American Dream Ideal that regardless of your path if you put in your dues and do the right things you will be lead to success.  This is not always the case as the arts go.  In truth this has been getting me down.  I look at all the steps and think why isn't it working?  When will I gain some forward momentum and "be an actor?"  What I did not realize for myself is that I have been putting out negative energy - "oh I don't think it can be done", "I've come this far with nothing to show!" etc.  

It is my belief that what we put out there is what we get back.  Sometimes it is hard to remember and act accordingly.  Along with that the universe works in some strange ways and it so happens that as I was flying home I received an email with a link to an interview on - putting the right energy out there.

So today as I watched this wonderful video I heard the speaker say something that stands out for me.  That all the time little things are happening that bring us closer to our goals.  Like anything else they don't happen immediately and it takes time to build the momentum before these little things add up to a big thing.  The irony is if you are focussed on the negative - why hasn't it happened yet?- then you negate the stuff that is already in the works.  

An example:  Working with a small unknown group is fun but feels like it is going nowhere.  You begin to think this is never going to happen, why am I spending my time with this group.  Through all of this someone with more clout sees a show notes your work and asks you to a coffee to discuss another show.  Now this person is not high on the totem pole either but they are closer.  In fact what you don't know is they have one friend who is really high up there and they are coming to see the show you are discussing over coffee when it is presented.  You attend your coffee meeting thinking "Wow another small useless company. What am I doing with my life?"  and so your poor energy dominates the coffee meeting and this little nobody producer decides "I don't like the way that went, I'll find someone else."  Too bad for you cause his buddy is Spielberg, and the lead you just got turned down for is about to be handed to someone else.

Some out there would say that seems extreme but we all know it is based in reality - it may not be Spielberg but another step closer.  What it comes down to for me, and what was said in the video, is that we need to show up. We need to bring with us the focus that says we are doing it, we will get there.  That is the energy which brings us more.  So the challenge is - Show Up!

If you're interested this was the video that gave me that reminder today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-7Zs-XALDM

Day Job

As an actor it has been a slow week.
I cannot believe I am about to say this but…
Thankfully it has been.

Like many actor's, I'd venture to say most, I have a day job.
Actually I have three day jobs.
Each one offers me the flexibility to pursue acting; but, due to that no single one offers me enough income consistently to just have one job
So I balance my schedule with the adeptness of a juggler doing the chainsaw finale and make sure I show up at the right place, with the right material, at the right time.  Careful planning

I am fortunate, I believe, because I truly enjoy the work I do during the day
Many actors, I understand, loathe the day job; however, it pays the bills when acting does not
It is an evil which must be endured

I've spoke of so many things that make acting a challenge
The craft itself is ongoing work, the networking, the vulnerability and so on
One more thing we actors consider is what do I do to make money?
We are not all sitting on a Hollywood A-List where day jobs are a thing of the past
The majority are unknown and part of our quest is something to fill the days with a flexibility to run out and make the audition; but most importantly pay the bills

So although this past week was slow as an actor
I was fortunate to gain full time work at my day job
Make some money and have no distractions
Not my dream week for sure
Nonetheless it was a week I am grateful for

Thanks Universe for putting rent in my pocket with comfortable ease.

Cry for Me

"I'm an actor."
"Really. Does that mean you can cry on the spot?"

No not really.  
Some actors can, but most of them, at least the one's I know, have to at least work it up a little before it can happen.
I have heard that question, hell, I can't even count how many times.
And really it is one that has bothered me, because it always digresses into the question,
"What kind of actor are you if you can't?"

It is said in jest.
Regardless, it stings, digging into an area of misconception about what actor's do.
And for all the truth I have just written-today is the first day that I thought about it differently.

The heart of acting is simplicity.  It requires the mastery of one thing: vulnerability.
The ability to fully open oneself and respond truthfully to what you hear from your fellow actors.
Vulnerability allow actors access to all their emotions; unimpeded by anything, so they can reach, explore, and share everything.
That is the craft I love and the job I do.

Many actors have problems crying on stage and screen
I am one of them
And today I wonder - what kind of actor am I if I can't access everything?
So - I'm learning to cry.

Never stop striving for your passion.
Find something everyday that helps you to grow in and become better at what you love.

Shout Out!

This blog is a shout out to an Brian Mifsud.
I met Brian a few months ago through our agency,
actually I think it was about a year ago, but, it has only been the last few months we have spent time collaborating.
Brian is someone who supports other actors.  He has come out to my show and my screening.  He has been at my house to run a workshop and he has met me for coffee a number of times to chat.  When he has not been available to help he's offered alternate resources.  
When he is not out to see something of mine, I know he is seeing something someone else did.  He develops and hosts workshops to help others get involved, he posts in our actor's group and he makes his presence known.  He does this selflessly but its payoff is that he looks and seems really connected to the scene.  He is aware and a point man.  
It takes drive to push for your own career, it takes more to help others also. 
Thanks Brian.

Get Out Of My Way

I have this idea, delusion, or thought that out there in cyberspace a decent number of people read this blog regularly.
That occasionally the blog strikes them enough to share it with a friend or two
I don't write to impress, or to get accolades, or anything along those lines; I simply write to put stuff out there and share/give my ideas or thoughts on stuff - primarily acting.
Today as I sit here at my computer I cannot help but honestly wonder how many people this specific thought applies to:

What is in my way?

I rolled out of bed today and I thought what do I need to do?
A list of things hit me, from the menial to the trivial and to the all important (pay the rent!)
Then I paused and I wondered what do I want to do?
And I paused again what do I want to do because it advances me?
And so I came to how do I want to advance?

What thing will I do today that allows me to advance in my career, in my life, in my humanity?
What is in my way from answering that question and then acting on it?

I ran the list of to "do's" once again. I discovered that many of these things need to be done.  Not much choice. They are the simple social and personal tasks that allow us to live in society.  Rent must be paid,  garbage taken out, bills paid, food eaten etc.  How much time does it take?  Given a little bit of thought these tasks, often daily tasks, do not take much time.  They do take organization, and thought so they can be put into my day and accomplished but they don't take up much time.

What is left, and what do I want to do?  Read a play, work out, edit, write, blog the list goes on.  So why am I not doing them?  These things in reality take longer. Why? Because I will focus on them and dedicate myself to them and work on them till I feel complete with them.  They are not the garbage they are the "breath" of my life.  So I asked myself again why am I not accomplishing them?  To everyone reading, use me as an example right now and think about it.  I would like to read one play weekly, I'm not doing it, but really how hard is it to set aside a total of two hours once a week? or one hour twice a week? or….It is not that hard.  It requires effort, it requires planning and thought but it is not that hard.

Comfort is the state in which the individual, for better or worse, is familiar with surroundings, routines, habits and regular motion of the situation the individual is in.  Stepping outside of that comfort zone feels insane.  Think about that nice warm bed on a cold winter morning and how hard it can be to remove the covers.  Yeah, stepping out of the comfort zone is crazy.  Staying in it is crazier.  I read an article once about abused women.  Statistically speaking even after a serious event, something where some level of intervention occurs to help the woman break away from the abuse, the woman will return to the abusive relationship or find herself in another abusive relationship when she moves on.  All the "they" people in the world point out that regardless of its detriment to the woman it is a place of comfort, "at least I know what it is like to be abused and what to expect today", that is easier to accept and go to than the fear of, "being alone and never finding a good man", or "finding the courage to simply be alone", or "going home to start again" or…or…or…

I am comfortable doing what I am doing.  On my plate, in this comfortable place, are a lot of things that I could be doing to change myself, to grow and achieve.  So what is standing in my way?  Why am I not doing what I want to do?  I have been thinking about this question since I woke up this morning. There is only one answer.  I am standing in my way!  

I turn it back to you my readers and I ask you this - Are you standing in your own way?  If so why and do you want to step out of your comfort zone?  

My final thought is one that sits in the belief that the world changes through little actions multiplied thousands of times.  If you know someone who stands in their own way, forward them this blog, and see if it offers any impetus for them.  See if it generates conversation.  See if it effects in any way.  And then work with those outcomes.

Audition!

Gross sweeping statement:
An actor's career is defined by the roles played and the auditions done.

Of course that is not fully true, there is the personality, social media, critical commentary, networking, independent work…, but in general the two things it really boils down to are auditions and roles.

Let's talk about the audition.

An agent gets a breakdown, thinks "my talent X fits this", sends off a request to be seen and waits for a bit.  A casting agent looks at the responses to the breakdown they sent, and calls the agents and says, "I'd like to see talent X for this".   The agent calls me (talent X) and I get the "sides", a section of the script for that character for me to work on.

Those sides are my chance to show the casting agent, director, producers, executive producers and anyone else who may have any say in the casting that I can do the role better than anyone else.  I get sometimes as little as one line to do that and sometimes I get whole swaths of script (six to eight pages).

It is my job to take those pages, sometimes without any knowledge of the script, and create something that matches that dialogue.  The best way that I have ever heard this work described is in this article
Dear Actor (Sincerely Playwright)  If you are an actor I encourage you to read it.  If you are not and have any interest I encourage you to read it.

So I am sitting at home with my three pages of "sides" and I begin to read them.  That is all I do. I read.  I read. I read. I read. Then I do it again and again and again. Sometimes one or two hundred times.  This starts the process of understanding the dialogue.  It helps me see the subtle clues.  It gets my mind working and finally it helps my lines stay in my head.

Then I get up and I start acting it out.  Moving about and finding what feels natural to me. Playing with it so that I can find what I need as an actor for a character.

Then I take what I have developed and transfer it to camera.  Not literally but figuratively. See in the audition room I have to stand on a mark with limited movement and deliver the text.  I don't have cut aways, and other actors that will be in my scene so I have to create them with visual and physical cues, so the solo camera has the impression that I am in the finished product. So I transfer my work to that dimension. Changing it, justifying it (really hard to do a kissing scene when there is no one to kiss. How does that work?) making it look right to the camera.

Then I call up a friend and I run it with them.  I ask for input and outside eye. We discuss and bounce new ideas around to develop the things I missed or didn't think about yet.  We play and play.  My friends help me and offer their time willingly as I would for them.  We also wish each other well while wondering why we didn't get a call for the same part.  

Then I go to bed and work on sleeping.  If I am lucky I get a few days with the sides not just one night. So I get up in the morning and I go to work, I run those lines on the walk there, on the subway home, between customers, while I cook, while I eat, in the shower, in my sleep. I do that every day until I arrive in the audition waiting room.

Here is the test folks.  Can I keep a clear head while I look at all the other hopeful actors going up for the same role?  Each one has done what I have done (or their version of it), each one has their own interpretation, can I stick to mine when I hear someone else do it different?  Do I doubt my work? Do nerves get the better of me?  Do I freeze up cause there is that actor who always seems to get cast?  

In my mind I steel myself.  I want this role, I will book it.  And I focus more than ever on being in my space, trusting myself and doing my thing, to show the people in that little room, I'm the best actor for this part.  They call my name, I go in. In the room I do my job and show them my final piece.  Before and after that I talk to them and let them know who I am outside of the character, that I am good to work with because of my smile and attitude.  We laugh about past shows where they know so and so, and we work to find a genuine connection that will help us work together on the set of this piece.  It takes all of five minutes and I leave the room.

I put on my coat and I begin the process of letting it go.  Hoping that I don't get the "oh please call me for the role" all consuming blues and nerves.  In reality I can't; because in the best world I have to start working on the next piece for the audition tomorrow and this one no matter how good or bad is now past and cannot influence my next one. 

The show comes down

The sound of a drill buzzes in my ear
The hammer pulls nails from wood
People holler for an extra hand
A suggestion to move so you don't get something dropped on you
Those who were on the stage, somewhat begrudgingly, tear down their "home" of the past two weeks
And those behind the set relish being given the "spot light".   They become "stars" who ably, nimbly, and quickly take it all away (as fast as they put it all up)
The show is done and all is cleared away so another one can go up
The life cycle of acting.

I've never experienced post show depression
And I wouldn't say I am experiencing it now
At least not in the degree to which the term "depression" implies
But today, the first day after this show's close I feel quieter

Someone once related a show to carrying a baby
The woman carries, cares for, coddles, feeds and supports a life literally within her womb
It is a piece of her for nine months and then one day it is gone.
For many this day equals a sense of loss and thus post partum depression

I don't spend nine months with a show (I only wish)
But I do spend countless hours living, breathing, caring for and supporting the "life" (character) I play
It has life for a few short weeks, during which I continue to nurture and care for it
And then in one day, one final show it is gone.

I do not know what comes next.
I am thrust back into the "real world"
Making money in a traditional way
Wondering when my next "birthing" will happen.
That wonder, coupled with the need to actively support a "life", leaves me feeling quiet.

Dressing Room Chatter

I'm on stage, very heavily involved in my character.
It is a dramatic character, very intense; I challenge my parents, I push buttons
I am the antagonist.

The lights dim and act one comes to a close.
The audience is left to wonder the outcome of the problem child and the dysfunctional family.

In the dressing room, we are cracking jokes, laughing, talking about our day.
We are being crass, humorous, jovial.
Nothing about the show is really happening it is a thing outside of us all.
More laughter.
The stage manager calls us to places.

I head to stage left.
I take a few deep breaths, I center myself.
The lights dim.
I head out on stage and I am the challenging problematic brat.
I am intense and difficult.

I laughed a few days at that contrast.  That the world of our stage and character is so different, so removed. It seems almost impossible what we do as actors, the transition from one life to another.
But we do it all the time. The marvel of acting.