Believe

 Believe.
A simple word that drives the world.
The word gains context when the we hear it from the mouth of an idol
"I struggled, I starved but I believed one day I could be here..." and so the speech goes.
Its power is not limited to the great ones
For every soul believes
The starving child believes one day food will come
The young woman believes she will raise a family
The man believes he will be a father.

For those "lowly" people we rarely think of 
Believe is something that gets them through, not only life, but the moment, the day
"I believe I can make it through this shift"
"I believe I can weather this storm"
"I believe we will stop fighting"
"I believe he will stop beating me"
"I believe I will beat cancer"
"I believe I will stop doing drugs"

I believe...

Extras

No I don't mean the ones who stand in the background
I mean the stuff we do to push our careers

I came home from my part-time job on Saturday and thought
"Ah it will be good to relax!"
Thought that I would check my email, catch up with some friends
Then I saw them, all those wonderful audition notices that I did not have time to respond to this week
Lots of potential for another role - the General Auditions for theatre are this time of year

Then I started thinking about the monologues that need preparing
There are few projects I have on the go and I've four scripts to read
Taxes are more time consuming with my "Self employed" actor status and take more time
There was an email regarding a post I should read about the business
A network request
Various shows to check out
Various shows to post for and support other artists
and the list grew.

I took a deep breath and thought
"Wouldn't it be nice if my full time job was acting!  Then I could respond to all this and do all the reading etc and I could relax tonight."  
But none of that extra work I do on top of my day job pays the bills as of yet.
So I sat down and put in another six hours that night.
Still have two plays to read and a plethora of emails to read.

Yup, us artists have two jobs, the one that pays bills and the one that we hope one day will.

Masks

As an actor I wear many masks.
Literally, sometimes a role requires me to wear an actual and physical mask
And
Proverbially, I create a mask with a character.
In addition to that, there is the public persona versus the private persona.

Masks are a part of my business.
Masks I believe are a part of life.

The way a person behaves in school versus who they are at home
With family versus friends
In public versus the bedroom
With a lover versus an acquaintance 

These are all different masks. They are worn to suit different needs
I feel a great contrast between actors and others is the knowledge of when the mask is worn, and which mask is worn.

I know, I know, big sweeping statement 
But think about it.
Do you consciously say it's time for my teacher mask I'm a student now?
Or do you just fall into the role.  

As an actor I am conscious of mask and its value and I choose to use it when it fits
With that said I am human and before I was an actor I had no idea about mask

In self reflection I found some masks which I did not know existed and I've seen how the unconscious mask effects my life.
I wonder, what if we all became conscious and took off our masks?  What then?
Would you have the strength to show what lies beneath?

When comes the time?

The pursuit of one's dream is something I believe is vital to life.
Understanding what the dream is
Guides so many choices and decisions

Dreams by whisperfall on deviantART
whisperfall.deviantart.com

It is in the pursuit of a dream 
Where things of value and promise are lost
In the hope of attaining what feels greater

Our greatness our dream is but an intangible
Its pursuit goes against the old adage
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"
But the two in the bush is what we artists bank our lives on

At what cost?
I've wondered that lately
What things have I put on the way side?
While I relentlessly pursue my dream


Truthfully I see them as too many to count
They are there not as regrets but facts
As I recount them I wonder about a dreams value
And I am reminded of a story I lived

Sitting in a university classroom
Discussing with professor and peers 
The daunting task of finding our careers 
In the not too distant future

All of us full of desire
Each one of us aware of the risk
Debating which will weigh on us more
When on student speaks truth

"When comes the time to put bread on the table?"
A simple query
One which provokes thought
The room goes silent

As that thought resonates through me today
I look at the dream and question
What other dreams lie idle in the face of this one?
Maybe it is time for some other dreams

Show Up!

Hello everybody.  My apologies for the gap in posts I've been in jolly old England taking a needed vacation.  I was fortunate and had some great weather, amazing company in my family and friends and an overall good time catching up, relaxing and in general just living the lazy day moments.

As the impending approach to my return home came closer I noticed a small tension creeping into my system.  Bit by bit it started to overtake me.  On the final day, as I boarded the plane, I noted that I was very focussed.  Focussed in a way that I can only describe as "Steeling myself for the return home."

Examining myself I realized that there was zero desire to come back to this reality.  It is not one that I enjoy - let me qualify that.  I love my life and my choices to follow the artistic path.  Right now there is a lack of work, and I'm not acting enough.  Although my bills are being paid through day jobs, which I enjoy, they in the end are not how I want to spend the majority of my time and currently, along with the last many months, the majority of my day is spent at a day job.  

This is of course one of the realities which many artists face - the artistic pursuit as a seeming hobby while day to day life is taken care of by other means.  Not exactly what we want but something we were aware of when we chose this path.  Moving to the idea of choosing our own path I began to reassess what this path is.

From the start I knew this was a path which most likely did not lead to riches, it was a path of challenge, there would be copious struggles while artistic pursuits were funded by day jobs, there would be challenges keeping the moral up, a separation of monetary success from other friends, a fatigue of working more than one job, and it was all worth it because through and through I'm an actor and I love acting.

Not consciously associated to this path was the North American Dream Ideal that regardless of your path if you put in your dues and do the right things you will be lead to success.  This is not always the case as the arts go.  In truth this has been getting me down.  I look at all the steps and think why isn't it working?  When will I gain some forward momentum and "be an actor?"  What I did not realize for myself is that I have been putting out negative energy - "oh I don't think it can be done", "I've come this far with nothing to show!" etc.  

It is my belief that what we put out there is what we get back.  Sometimes it is hard to remember and act accordingly.  Along with that the universe works in some strange ways and it so happens that as I was flying home I received an email with a link to an interview on - putting the right energy out there.

So today as I watched this wonderful video I heard the speaker say something that stands out for me.  That all the time little things are happening that bring us closer to our goals.  Like anything else they don't happen immediately and it takes time to build the momentum before these little things add up to a big thing.  The irony is if you are focussed on the negative - why hasn't it happened yet?- then you negate the stuff that is already in the works.  

An example:  Working with a small unknown group is fun but feels like it is going nowhere.  You begin to think this is never going to happen, why am I spending my time with this group.  Through all of this someone with more clout sees a show notes your work and asks you to a coffee to discuss another show.  Now this person is not high on the totem pole either but they are closer.  In fact what you don't know is they have one friend who is really high up there and they are coming to see the show you are discussing over coffee when it is presented.  You attend your coffee meeting thinking "Wow another small useless company. What am I doing with my life?"  and so your poor energy dominates the coffee meeting and this little nobody producer decides "I don't like the way that went, I'll find someone else."  Too bad for you cause his buddy is Spielberg, and the lead you just got turned down for is about to be handed to someone else.

Some out there would say that seems extreme but we all know it is based in reality - it may not be Spielberg but another step closer.  What it comes down to for me, and what was said in the video, is that we need to show up. We need to bring with us the focus that says we are doing it, we will get there.  That is the energy which brings us more.  So the challenge is - Show Up!

If you're interested this was the video that gave me that reminder today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-7Zs-XALDM