"What do you want to be/do with your life?"
I have asked and been asked that question many times in life.
In my own case, by the time I was fourteen I knew that answer: I want to be an actor.
That is how old I was when it hit me, fourteen. It hit me so hard that I have never wavered on that point. Many years have gone by now and my answer is still the same: I want to be an actor.
At this point in my life I am an actor. I have successfully struggled, and moved through all the hoops that have allowed me at times to solely make my living as an actor. It also means that I have successfully struggled and moved through all the hoops that have allowed me to mostly make a living off of part time work while auditioning and living the "actor's life." Regardless of any hardship that I might be able to complain about, the answer is still the same, but it carries an addendum: I only want to be an actor. Meaning continually strive for my sole source of income to come from acting work. What actor does not want this?
I was reflecting on this point recently and the question which I answered so many years ago and I was struck with an interesting point. For as many times as I have been asked and answered that question I have also heard, an equal amount of times, the response of: You are so lucky to know what you want in life. This idea, of being lucky to know that I want to be an actor, has sat with me for a while and I am beginning to wonder how lucky I truly am. Lets weigh it out.
Knowing what I want provides me with, unwavering focus, drive, determination and push. It gives me guidance on what I study, watch, read, immerse myself in. It guides how I select my non acting work. It helps define my morals and ideas of the world. It provides me with this and many other things which society deems positive.
At the same time though it means that I am not satisfied unless this goal is found. It means that I will deal with hardship and rejection, monetary limitations and struggles, because I will not compromise my path to acting. It means that my friends and family have and will again question my outcomes, and their value. It means so many other things which in general society does not deem positive.
Now if I didn't know what I wanted, I would have greater freedom to explore the world and what it has to offer me in terms of a career. It would mean I would be more flexible and open to alternate options. It could mean, as I have worked in number of fields now, that one of those fields could be that which sustains me comfortably.
In some ways I feel limited by knowing so thoroughly what I want as my career. So I wonder, is it a blessing or a curse? To be or not to be an actor, that is the question? But for me the answer is "BE" and receive with it all that comes from that choice; regardless of it being deemed positive or negative.
I think most people who have the freedom to explore do not see it as freedom, but as a problem to be solved. You have to know what you want, or else you are clearly stupid, lazy, young, etc. That kind of sentiment. I end up doing that a lot.
ReplyDeleteThere seems to be the same ultimatum of Find It (whatever It is) that you feel with knowing what you want. Perhaps society condemns not only those who want but don't have, but those who do not know what to want. Clearly the answer is Have, ha. If only we could more easily value exploration for its own sake.