I no longer feel overwhelmed. I just had a talk with a friend who helped me to put a lot of things in perspective. In the end this show has a lot of weight on it. I want people to see it, I want people to like it, be inspired by it. I want it to gain me some level of recognition, some importance. That was hard to say. No matter how true everything else is there is a part of me that follows this path because of the ?glory? and that is part of what I want from this show. In respect to all of the things it is, the focus truly sits on what happens when it is done, what effect will it have at that point. Last night, my fears, frustrations, and high strung emotions all came from that single thought: what effect will it have at this point.
Last night was a stunning success, because the effect it had for me was enormously positive. I received feed back from various people; all of it was encouraging and thought provoking. Yes there is a lot of work to be done in order to take it to the next level, but my work has an impact as it is and it can grow. I learned that last night, I found its value. I am ever grateful to all those who participated because of what they offered me and how they facilitate propelling me forward. Yet for all that being said, when I reflect back on last night and I take in what my friend said today I feel there is a greater lesson that I am learning about my life and myself in this journey.
My view for this show has been about the when, which has much value. It gives me a focus, a target to aim for. In so doing I fulfill deadlines, get work done, edit, rehearse etc. These are the productive pieces of the puzzle that will achieve the ?when?. I have forgotten the ?now?. Each and everything that I do today, in this second, is part of the process of the ?when?. If I don?t enjoy and relish this second then I am missing out on what is truly happening. This overall product will be whatever it is going to be, it will be perceived in whatever light it is perceived in. And in that moment the when will be the now and it will be dealt with. So along the way it is important to enjoy each second so that I get the most out of the project. In return, my passion will be engaged further as I relish what I am doing now as compared to the thought of ?how will the now effect the later? There is greater satisfaction from living the seconds as compared to hoping on the hours. I think what I am saying is that I am doing this for the journey and I forgot it for the destination. In order for me to make a good show for me then I need to step back and enjoy the process. The result of me producing good work which I enjoy will in turn benefit my audience because I believe that people respond more richly and truly, and are more effected by passion lived throughout a project rather than something slapped together to achieve a goal. What does all this mean?
It means that I have work in front of me. It also means that there will be greater enjoyment in the work. This may seem like a simple thought, and I have had it before, but executing this thought is a challenge. I still want the show to produce all the things I started this entry with, but now I understand that I also love what to love what I do. Working on this one man show is teaching me about who I am as a person, as a performer and in all aspects of my life. I had no idea that doing this would teach me anything but it already has. This benefit is already the greatest thing I could have hoped to achieve from this venture. The rest is gravy and tomorrow I will get up and begin the process, one step at a time, to begin making the gravy; and I will be very aware of which ingredients I choose to make it rich and flavorful.
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