Relief (2006-12-12)

I woke up this morning with the belief that I should be excited, or nervous, or overwhelmed; something big, something extravagant a distinctive emotion that would categorize my day. Surprisingly, I awoke with nothing of the sort. My alarm went off and I gingerly rolled out of bed with what felt like a lack of emotion. I was calm, almost numb. The day on which I shoot my demo reel, felt like nothing different than any other day. I thought about it for a moment, this process, this final outcome, me on DVD showcasing my skills, all the weight that this DVD holds, all the work going into getting it scheduled and shot, all the everything that it means, I should definitely feel something huge; but, here I am with something akin to numbness. Should it not be worth more? I tried for a moment to force something, to work up an anxiety. Nothing, and then I stopped. Like one of my previous revelations that every moment has its value and I need to live the moment to truly appreciate the process then the reality is this is how I am in this moment and so be it. Out of bed I climbed and off I went. I did the shoot without a hitch. As I thought about all the things that could happen (all negative) I stopped, in this moment I can only give everything I have. I did all my work, surrounded myself with talented people, what will come out is meant to come out now. I carried on. When the shot was done I decided to walk home. Relief swept over me, months of planning had come together and it was done; tomorrow to editing but basically done. I accomplished a very big task, I took a step forward for myself. And with that realization the energy drained from my body, I had given all that I had nothing remained. I look back on the day and realize that it is truly all I could ask of myself, I put in everything in each moment and the journey will take me to destination. The destination is not nearly as important as the journey. One step at a time, with full commitment. Relief is upon me again for that one step.