What the... (2007-04-10)

So in a little less than six hours I am going to be standing on a stage performing my pieces. Let’s be totally honest here: I am feeling nervous, scared, apprehensive and any other word that fits in that line of emotions. I kind of feel sick. A little over seven months ago I realized that my story had some an audience, a place, a value that could apply beyond the self serving artist who wants to whine about their dismal, although personally chosen path. Alison gave me that look when I said we should do this together, there was excitement and of course the thought, I will believe it when I see it. A few days later the first draft was done. 

I don’t like doing things small, go all the way or don’t do it, kind of a motto I secretly live by, so just putting on a show/workshop seemed pointless. Why not go for the gusto? So with all that said tonight that little dream comes to fruition. There are so many mixed emotions. I know that people want to see it succeed, does anyone ever go to theatre to see a bad show. I don’t think so. But even knowing that its scary. I have never written before, never produced, never been on stage alone. I can take a look at my track record of performances and I see the growth, I know and have been told by everyone I work with that I am amazing; but it does not stop the doubt: am I as good as I say I am, god was that ever a vain thought. I don’t want to let myself down, I push and today is the day to see how far I have pushed. As I walk around the boulder in front of me I am not sure what I will find it has been obscuring my vision while I laboured behind it. When I looked up at the distance before I started pushing the skies were filled with sun and everything looked beautiful. As I walk around the boulder what do I see…

With all that said I am doing a show. A voice rises up above everything else and says just do what you do. You have been doing it long enough and you are still here. You have value and people support you. No matter what happens this is the first time and the only way you grow is by doing and changing it for the next time. Even louder than that voice is the voice that reminds me how strong an actor I am. Daniel MacIvor did not start a well known amazing piece of talent. He started where I am and grew. I have and am that ability. What more can I say?

I remind myself that I need to breathe, that I love doing what I do. That sinking in and becoming these no, that being these twelve people is what I do best. I only do that when I breathe. I remind myself that the people who watch tonight are there to be entertained and I love to see them smile and think when I do what I do. I reminisce in memory of that moment and smile. Today is my day, and in the end, I wrote a show, co produced a play and will act it for the first time. That regardless of everything and anything is amazing.